Our world tells us a lot… a lot about ourselves, a lot about others, a lot about who we should and should not be, what to hear and not hear, a lot of good lessons and a lot bad, a lot of true facts and a lot false.The world tells us that the smallest things in life can change it the most. For this carefree, single, overdramatic girl who was still rocking her oversized sorority t-shirts, it was two faint lines that changed mine… forever.
Knees weak. Hands sweating. Heart stopped. I looked down at those two lines thinking “this cannot possibly be real, this can’t be how my life is going to go, and this ISN’T how my life is going to go.” Another six tests said otherwise. This, this was real, this was real life, this was my reality. Most people have the exciting screams and tears of joy when they find out they are pregnant, that isn’t my story.
Hi, I am Mallory. Hutton’s mom. Before that, I had a title of just Mal. I grew up living the American Dream, with the most loving parents who never caused me to “want” or “need”. I was raised to know that morals are meant to be kept and kept high… along with my grades. The second was a lot harder than the first for me. All my friends wanted to be at the Carrs’ house, in fact some of my friends call them ‘mom’ and ‘dad ‘ too. Sometimes I think they are cooler than I ever was. I never tested them; never bent the rules or brought home a bad boy. I was the American Dream child if I do say so myself. I went to college, made it all the way through senior year with no boyfriend. I had my goals set on living in LA or NYC and pursuing any type of internship that would get me all the way East or all the way West.The world tells us to travel, be selfish, spontaneous and adventurous for you will never get this time back.
All of those plans slowly began to fade when I began my 5th year (super senior, that’s me!) of college. I met the love of my life, Trey. Little did I know, I fell in love with the most complicated person on the planet. Pretty sure the world tried to tell me that, too.Two years of ups and downs but never officially a couple yet couldn’t get away from each other. One night, I specifically prayed “Lord, please just place an opportunity or person in my life that would completely replace Trey and remove those aching feelings I had for him that I had never felt for anyone else.” The world tells us that our plan is the best plan for our lives. One cold January morning, this little goody-two-shoes was going to be a mom, at 23 years old with no boyfriend. My world came crashing down around me as I went from being the girl who had it all to the girl that felt so alone in one big, big world. Part of the world tells us we have the whole world with us and the other part tells us we’re going to be judged. Of course I had to share the news, but let’s be honest, I was calling with hopes that he was going to make me feel better… well let’s just say his response could’ve been better but who could blame him? He was just as terrified as me. After a few hours, he came over and his whole mentality had changed, he was so positive and kept reassuring me it would be alright. I just KNEW it would NOT be alright. Part of the world tells us our lives are over while the other part tells us our lives are just beginning. Were we ready to be leaders for another human being? Were we going to be able to provide for another life when we could barely provide for our separate selves? Our current biggest life decision and concern was where we were all meeting up Friday night for dinner & drinks. The world tells us that this is what post grad life is, right?! The next week brought on a roller coaster of emotions. We both have strong morals and always have preached we would never consider the “a” word. Abortion. Yes, I said it. But let me tell you, you have no right to ever preach or judge anyone about what you would or wouldn’t do because you never know what you are capable of when fear, true fear, takes charge of your life. Part of the world tells us that the child is not considered a human; the other part says that child is a God breathed child made in the image of God. We were living in what we thought was hell and lost all sense of what we knew to be right from wrong.
The world says ‘home is where the heart is’, the other part of the world says ‘run, be scared, your parents are going to disown you’. Home to me is where my parents were. So that’s where I went. I went home. I went to my mom and told her I was pregnant (it took me 3 days of being there to muster up the courage, but hey I did it!) I told her I wasn’t sure what I was going to do, her immediate response was “yes you do or you wouldn’t be telling me, you would’ve already done it. Mallory, a baby is a blessing regardless of the circumstances. You know what your morals are and you know what’s right in your heart but you have to make this decision on your own.” That conversation was preceded by telling my dad, who I told “I have some really really bad news, I am pregnant”. His immediate response was, “why does that have to be really bad news?” My heart sank lower than it already was. The tears rolled even further as I prayed, “God, why did you bless me with these people as parents?” The instant relief I felt was indescribable, the torturous fear I felt was gone. The world can say whatever it wants but what parents say is always true, always right.
I made up my mind that I was going to have this baby regardless of what the world was making me feel. I told Trey I had made the final decision. He didn’t hesitate to step up to the plate (which was no surprise to me, I knew his heart was there the whole time, his fear was just in the way), we took each other’s hand and haven’t let go since. Trey told his parents and they handled it just as well as mine. The release of pressure we felt was surreal. The next step was dealing with the judgments and ridicule from our peers because remember, the world tells us people will judge us. The weeks continued on with no one knowing but us, which brought us closer than we could’ve imagined. When the truth spread I was pregnant it spread like wildfire, everyone knew and I have never felt more intimidated to step out in public. But the world was still spinning and I had to keep spinning with it so we went out to eat with friends at a local restaurant where we saw what felt like every single person we knew in college and the response was unreal! People were so positive, encouraging, and excited for us. Everything seemed to all be falling into place so perfectly. We bought a house, and moved in together, our families & friends began getting close and the baby showers and celebrating was in full swing! Something still felt so empty inside me. I felt so alone when the world was telling me how happy and lucky I was. I was so happy with Trey and loved our new house, and was excited about the baby, not over the moon but excited. We found out the baby was a boy (Trey’s face lit up like a Christmas tree when she said “it’s a boy!”) Hutton would be his name. It was perfect. If all this was so perfect, what was wrong with me? Why wasn’t I feeling the pregnancy glow? Why didn’t I feel like I was receiving the biggest gift life had to offer? That part of the world creeps in that tells us to be scared, fear is bigger than ourselves and we will not make it out alive.
September 29th came with no signs of Hutton so a few days later I was induced. We walked into the hospital room and the tears immediately began flowing, I was terrified. Trey grabbed my hand, kissed me on the forehead just like he did the first day we found out and said, “it’s all going to be alright”. Contractions started around midnight making for a long night. After begging for an epidural–the needle of pure goodness–I finally felt great about 4am! The doctors started me on Pitocin at 6am, Hutton was itching to make his debut around 9am and made his grand entrance at 9:45am! The clock stopped, I swear. The doctor laid him on my chest screaming bloody murder, he looked up at me with those eyes, I kissed him on his nose and he instantly calmed down while lying there. In that moment, my whole life made sense to me. The fear, the pride, the tears, the arguments, the confusion, it was all worth it. For THIS moment. He was what I needed. I needed to feel that unbreakable bond. I needed to know he was real and I was really his mom. I needed him to need me. I was Mallory, Hutton’s mom. I have never felt a love like the love I feel for my son. It is truly indescribable. I know our friends look at our life now and think how bored we must be never doing anything social, but my, are they wrong! I wish everyone got to experience the joy that we get to endure everyday with Hutton. Of course we get burnt out sometimes, but that is totally normal. Do you not get burnt out with your job sometimes? But the greatest part is you get burnt out and then those eyes look at you again and it all makes sense again. He is the light of our lives. He is my saving grace. I was already a believer but holding him in my arms I know with no doubt that God is real. My biggest prayer is that one day Hutton will be able to love as hard as I love him and his dad. And my biggest blessing is that God chose me to love them both.
I can’t tell you that I was headed down some rocky road and Hutton saved my life because that isn’t the truth. I probably would’ve lived a great life and done big & exciting things without him. But oh my! The thought of not seeing that big smile and those arms reaching up to me from that crib every morning, that is unimaginable. He has saved me from myself. I was such a people pleaser and wasted so much time worrying about things I couldn’t control, I spent my entire pregnancy worried about everyone else, what all the Chatty girls had to say, why God chose me when there were so many happily married couples praying for a healthy baby and can’t have one. I cry tears of joy now when I look at that baby and think, God why in the world did you choose me? Why did you think I deserved this beautiful gift? But then I stand back and watch him look at his daddy and I realize that’s why. Though Trey and I made the decisions to get ourselves in this situation, I WHOLEHEARTEDLY believe that the Lord can still use two broken people to bring Him glory. He can use a bad decision to bring Him glory. He is God. I am confident that He used our decision to not only teach us a lesson but to teach us Grace like only He can so that we too will know how to extend that same Grace to Hutton one day. Without sending us Hutton, we would have most likely kept fighting with God while He was pushing us together. I am not promoting sex before marriage, it is not right but we all make mistakes, we were just lucky enough the “mistake” we made had one positive repercussion in the end.
Unplanned pregnancy is a storm, the strongest storm I have known thus far. But I am living proof that you can make it through the storm to see the next sunny day. The world will tell you the storm is too big. Never let anyone make you feel less than because you don’t do what the world thinks you should be doing with your life or in the order they think it should be done in. God is the only judge here that matters, if you have made your peace with Him then the rest is not worth your thoughts. If you have been the person shaming a young mother, shame on you. Shame on you for thinking you can even begin to know the amount of hard decisions, sacrifices, and choices she has had to make. You have no idea! Motherhood is the hardest but most rewarding job you will ever have in life, but you can do it regardless of all the circumstances surrounding you if it is what you really want. You may have to change your lifestyle completely and make tons of sacrifices but it will be worth it in the end. If you are having unsafe or premarital sex, do not think for a second that you are invincible; you are no different than me. It can happen to you. And if it does, I pray you find the strength to get through the fear. I promise you it ends and the light at the end of the tunnel is the most beautiful baby that will love you unconditionally. The fear is not permanent and a baby is a blessing regardless of the circumstances! Every fairytale has drama throughout but it’s the ending that makes the fairytale worthwhile. Though I thought my fairytale was a spontaneous life of travel, it was right in front of me in Chattanooga, Tennessee with my now husband, Trey, and being a stay at mom. Hutton’s mom.
Our world tells us a lot… a lot about ourselves, a lot about others, a lot about who we should and should not be, what to hear and not hear, a lot of good lessons and a lot bad, a lot of true facts and a lot false. I can assure you the world was not right every time, nor was it wrong. However, if I could go back, I would take a deep breath and remind myself that though we live in the world, we don’t belong to the world. We were created in the image of a Man who walked on water and healed a blind man, one who breathed life into us and said “Go and do likewise.” We were created by the God of the Universe. We belong to Him. Surround yourself with people who remind you of just THAT, not their opinion and not what the world says.
Hi! I am Mallory. I am God’s child. I am Trey’s wife. I am Hutton’s mom.
I'm a wife, mom and coffee addict who lived in the suburbs of Chicago. I want to make sure you feel right at home when you visit my cozy corner so grab a warm cup of coffee and take a peek around. Read More…