For the past 12 years, I have put these thoughts and emotions in a sealed box to never try to feel the shame, humiliation or guilt I went through when I was in my teen/early 20s. Relationships can really change you, mess with your head and have the ability to turn your entire world upside down. But abuse, that stays with you forever.
When I was 19, I met a charming, good looking colleague while working at a restaurant. I had gotten out of my first great love relationship in high school and was determined to never have a heartbreak like the one I was finally getting over. I was ready for a new adventure but I had no idea this adventure would bring me own one of the darkest paths I ever had to face.
You never think it will happen to you. He was, as I said, extremely charming and a romantic at heart but looking back that’s how he was grooming me to want and love only him. He knew I had a passion for writing and would leave me some of the most profound love letters anyone could write on my windshield after a long night at work. These letters are what had me excited for our future, our relationship and how I was helping him become the best version of himself.
For months, I loved him blindly, assured that I was the only one that could fix him, his problems and he pretended to let me. It wasn’t until I was about to leave for my first year of college, after only three months of dating, that things took a turn for the worst. Somehow I wasn’t able to experience anything that being away from home allows you to do; freedom.
I went out to a party with girlfriends but when I called him 3 minutes after I said I would be back in my dorm room, I was called a ‘slut’ and ‘who are you sleeping with’ accusations even though we both know I was loyal. The mental abuse was a whirlwind of going from I am strong to suddenly believing that you are the loser, the stupid girl, the one who nobody likes because you hear it minute after hour after week after month.
My friends attempted to have interventions with me week after week telling me to get out but when you are in over your head, you aren’t thinking clearly. You aren’t yourself. I pushed everyone away. I pushed my friends away, my family and worse of all, I pushed myself to someone who was just a shell but no soul. I was truly blank with no expression of the storm I had surrounding me every single moment of every single day. I masked it with friends in class, with professors and people I worked with on campus. I hide it with a smile, throwing myself into one of my five part time jobs I had on campus, or all the endless amounts of homework and studying I had to do for class.
4 months later, my abuser proposed, knowing that I was probably going to leave him. It worked and we set a secret date to get married two years later. I know what you’re thinking. How on earth could she have wanted to marry him? I still don’t have that answer to that but only thinking I wanted to be the one to change him because he still had me assuming I could. My sister was the one my abuser had asked permission to marry me and she immediately said it wasn’t a good idea but he decided to propose anyways with a ‘promise ring’ that we also attributed as an engagement ring.
Throughout the next few months, we secretly planned a wedding that I knew my family would never want to attend and it was such a strange feeling to be doing something that was so significant but also having a lingering feeling if anyone would even come? I wanted my friend and family there celebrating, excited for our big moment, congratulating us and it was the exact opposite when I told people I was engaged.
One night, I had gotten into another argument with my fiance, always threatening to end the wedding, knowing I was and felt worthless to find anyone who could be as great him and feeling like the loser I thought I was. While signing up for housing with a few of my girlfriends and waiting our turn to sign our names, I was texting my fiance to let him know I’d call him in a few minutes. He kept arguing over the phone saying I kept him waiting- he didn’t have time for me and everything just clicked in one moment. Instead of feeling defeated like I usually did, I felt a whirl of strength and better yet, anger.
How dare he?! I’m in the middle of something exciting to do with my friends and you’re making me feel horrible. It was as if everything came at me at once saying this was actually it and I would be free if I just ended it myself right then and now. My girlfriends and I finished our sign up and I told them I’d meet up with them in a few minutes because I had to take care of something. I ran outside away from the sea of students and found a small corner bench to sit at.
I dialed his number and after him yelling over and over about how I don’t give him enough time I calmly said “I’m done. I can’t do this anymore and the wedding is off.” My voice and tone must have gotten through to him because he immediately got quiet and then laughed saying we would be back together again tomorrow. I told them that this was it and I was going to hang up the phone. On my way back to walking to my dorm room, I ran into a sorority sister and immediately burst into snot nose tears. We sat in her car and she let me cry and talk for over 45 minutes about everything that had been going on and how, free I finally felt because I knew it was over.
The next few days were a blur. My fiance tried calling me 52 times in 20 minutes until a friend took my cell phone and turned it off. He tried emailing me, Facebook stalking me and I even was nervous he would drive up to my college to try and talk. My friends and family were relieved we had broken up but never knew the extent of the relationship until now.
Even though it’s been 12 years, there are still moments I have PTSD over that relationship. My husband knows my trigger signs. He knows that there are certain moments if I have too much to drink I start to hallucinate and think I see my ex stalking me. In the beginning of our relationship, there were several times I said we should end it because I never thought I was good enough but he always stood next to me and said we’d get through it together. I’ve seen a therapist several times to talk about how to handle anger issues, trigger moments and when I start to go down that dark tunnel again. There are times my anxiety can still put me in a tunnel vision.
I’m sharing this because I had all the warning signs, I knew I was in a toxic relationship and despite all of it- I stayed. The reason? It’s so hard to feel like you can get out. You’re constantly looking over your shoulder, you’re thinking your going crazy and you feel as if you amount to nothing. Your pride, your worth, your identity is all warped. Honestly if it weren’t for some amazing friends and family members who listened to me cry, vent and just explode at times, I’m sure it would have ended a lot differently.
If you think you need help- I urge you to call someone, talk to a trusted friend or family member and just let them listen to you and your feeling. Reach out to me if you need someone to talk too. I’m always here. IF there is one thing to take away from all of this, it’s that it is NOT your fault that you got down this rabbit hole. It’s your abusers twisted mind to pray on someone like you. But guess what- this does NOT define who you are. You are more. You are worthy. You are strong. You can get out of this relationship with a strength you never thought possible and although it’s work every day to not go back into the rabbit hole, you’ve always got me in your corner, your friends and family to be there every step of the way.
Thank you for sharing your life story and I hope it helps any woman out there that is experiencing this in their lives right now. Glad you found a good man.
I am sorry you had to go through this but I am so glad you are sharing your story. I am sure it will help many others. It is good you were able to leave. Sadly, so many women don't.
"…just a shell but no soul." Yes he was, he was horrible to you, and no one deserves that treatment. You in your good-hearted fashion tried to rescue him; I'm glad you reached reality. I'm glad you're no longer suffering and found real love.
I am sorry that you went through this. I have a cousin that was abused and I wish I could have Made her see what this guy was doing to her. She did eventually figure it out and I am very happy about that. I am glad to know you have a great husband that understands what you've been through.
I am so glad that you got out of that relationship and it taught you what you truly want in life. I also love that you're sharing your experience to let others know that they're not alone (if they're going through the same situation).
This is very brave of you to share your story, and I admire you for that. I agree, it was never your fault. I hope other women who are currently in an abusive relationship gets to read this and have the same realization you had then so hopefully, they can get out before it's too late.
I had a very close friend who went through a mentally and verbally abusive relationship. It definitely changed her. Thank you for being open and sharing your story.
Thank you for writing this. A lot of people in abusive relationships feel like they cannot get out or they see it as they want to see the relationship. I was once in a controlling relationship and I am so glad now that I got out when I did. Just like you, when it clicked, it clicked and I was ready to stand my ground. Thankfully I had family and friends to catch me and pick up the pieces. I am so thankful for my husband now more than he may ever realize.
People like this have a way of keeping people hooked to them. Sometimes it is hard to break free. Remembering your self worth is what gives you the strength to break free. Keep you chin up, and heart growing.
Thank you for sharing your story. Thank God you chose to walk away. I knew someone like that too but stuck it out for over 10 years with him. Glad to be free! It's been twenty years since we split up but sadly I STILL feel the negative impact from it, despite being in a healthy, nurturing, forever relationship now. My focus today is on seeking peace and enjoying the journey. God bless. Take care!
This is such a brave thing for you to come out and share. There are unfortunately so many situations where people are in similar circumstances, facing an abuser and not knowing how to escape.
That must have been very hard to live through. It's a good thing you are sharing this as it may inspire others find their inner strength to do the same.
You’re so strong for sharing this xo
Thank you for sharing your story. It is amazing how these people make you feel like it is all your fault isn't it 🙁 you are such a strong person.
Abusers really make you feel like everything is your fault and you're the one ruining the relationship. It's so awful to feel that way, and it affects you for the rest of your life. Thanks for sharing your story.
Therapy, a strong family, and dedicated friends are beacons of hope for those who are exiting an abusive relationship. I'm so glad that you're now in a much happier place in your life and feeling emotionally good and strong!
You are so brave to share this story! This will be a great read for those in similar situations.
It takes courage to share this type of story with the world! You should be proud of yourself for speaking up and for facing your fears. I am glad you've found freedom! I wish you the absolute best.
You are so brave to tell your story. I'm glad you were able to escape that situation.
It takes strength to do what you have done to work through that and courage to share it with the world. Thank you for sharing your story with us.
So sorry that happened to you! That must be so hard but working through it makes you that much stronger!
Briana
https://beyoutifulbrunette.com/
Thank you for sharing your story. Sorry that you had to go through this. It’s great to hear that you are working through this.
This post… you put so much heart into it and by you telling your story, you can help so many other people who may be in the same situation now. Thank you for your bravery and honesty!
I am truly sorry learning this experience of yours. It is not your fault and I am glad you are speaking out about it.
Thank you for opening up about your story. Many of us have things to share which hopefully can aid others in their lives.
Thank you for sharing this. I was also in the same situation before and I know it is not easy. But glad you are free!
So brave of you to share your story so honestly on the blog!! I've never been in abusive romantic relationship, but I did have an abusive friendship with someone in college- those things are so difficult <3
xoxo A
http://www.southernbelleintraining.com
It is so liberating to finally see what everyone else sees then take action and release that bad part of your life. Then the after math is so scary because they don't truly see the error in their ways and their attachment to you is not healthy. If they had only listened the million times you tried to talk to them and took your thoughts and feeling to heart it would never be that way, but some people will never change. I used to be there, by ex was so mad he totaled my car with spray paint and big rocks through the windows. It's just amazing the affect it has on your life long term…
Thank you for sharing your experience. May your words help to free others from abusive relationships. I’m glad you found your strength and courage! May you continue to heal. ❤️
I know this post was incredibly hard to write but I thank you for being brave enough to share your story! I am so glad you were able to get out of that relationship and find someone who truly deserves ans respects you.
Pretty nice post. I just stumbled upon your blog and wished to say that I have really enjoyed browsing your blog posts.
I really liked reading your post!. Quallity content. With such a valuable blog i believe you deserve to be ranking even higher in the search engines 🙂
I’m really enjoying the theme/design of your web site.
Do you ever run into any internet browser compatibility
problems? A few of my blog readers have complained
about my blog not operating correctly in Explorer but looks great in Firefox.
Do you have any advice to help fix this issue?
Nice post. I was checking constantly this blog and I am impressed!
Very helpful info particularly the last part 🙂 I care for such info a lot.
I was seeking this particular info for a long time.
Thank you and good luck.
I read this paragraph fully concerning the resemblance of
newest and previous technologies, it’s remarkable
article.
I do not know whether it’s just me or if perhaps everyone else encountering problems
with your site. It appears as if some of the text within your
content are running off the screen. Can someone else please comment and let
me know if this is happening to them as well? This
could be a problem with my web browser because I’ve had this happen previously.
Thanks
Appreciate this post. Will try it out.
Hello everyone, it’s my first visit at this website,
and piece of writing is actually fruitful in support of
me, keep up posting these types of content.
I’d like to thank you for the efforts you have put in penning this site.
I really hope to see the same high-grade content by you
in the future as well. In truth, your creative writing abilities has encouraged me to get my very own blog now 😉
Greetings from Carolina! I’m bored to tears at work
so I decided to check out your blog on my iphone during lunch break.
I love the info you provide here and can’t wait to take a look when I get home.
I’m amazed at how quick your blog loaded on my phone ..
I’m not even using WIFI, just 3G .. Anyways, great
site!
Does your website have a contact page? I’m having a tough time locating it but, I’d like
to send you an e-mail. I’ve got some recommendations for your blog you might be interested in hearing.
Either way, great website and I look forward to seeing it develop over time.
You should be a part of a contest for one of the best sites online. I will highly recommend this blog!
http:///www.manulescu.com – manu manumanu
Can I simply just say what a comfort to uncover someone who truly knows what they’re discussing on the web. You definitely realize how to bring an issue to light and make it important. A lot more people should look at this and understand this side of your story. I can’t believe you are not more popular since you definitely possess the gift.
I got to say that this is a very interesting article
You can check my website here: Miami Movers
It is not my first time to pay a visit this web site, i am
browsing this web page dailly and obtain fastidious information from here
every day.
I was pretty pleased to discover this great site. I want to to
thank you for ones time for this fantastic read!!
I definitely enjoyed every part of it and I have you book-marked to see new things on your blog.
What’s up friends, nice article and nice urging commented
here, I am in fact enjoying by these.
This is actually beneficial information my friend. you are a remarkably most luxurious writer . i want to helping with you my website as well. tell me what do you think about it
buy youtube views
really nice
This is definitely established tidings my friend. you are a dialect right well-proportioned writer . i want to share with you my website as well. foresee me what do you think approximately it
buy youtube views
Thankyou again for posting such good content. Cheers
This is a sheer worth post. Thankyou an eye to keeping us informed.
forex
Oh my goodness! Awesome article dude! Thanks, However I am
experiencing problems with your RSS. I don’t know the reason why
I am unable to join it. Is there anybody else having
similar RSS problems? Anyone that knows the answer can you kindly respond?
Thanks!!
Just wish to say your article is as surprising. The
clarity in your post is just cool and i can assume you are an expert on this
subject. Well with your permission let me to grab your
feed to keep up to date with forthcoming post. Thanks
a million and please continue the gratifying work.
This is a very nice post. I like the way you used your words.
What do you think about my site ? IVF Cost in delhi
Sweet blog! I found it while browsing on Yahoo News. Do you have any tips on how to get listed in Yahoo News? I’ve been trying for a while but I never seem to get there! Thank you
My partner and I stumbled over here coming from a different web address and thought I might
as well check things out. I like what I see so now i’m following you.
Look forward to checking out your web page again.
Hello mates, its fantastic piece of writing regarding teachingand completely defined,
keep it up all the time.
It’s remarkable to visit this web page and reading the views of all
colleagues on the topic of this post, while I am also eager of getting knowledge.
Usually I don’t learn article on blogs, but I would
like to say that this write-up very forced me to try and do it!
Your writing style has been surprised me. Thank you, very nice post.
You actually make it seem really easy together with your presentation but I in finding this topic to be actually something which I feel I might never understand.
It kind of feels too complicated and extremely huge
for me. I’m having a look forward to your subsequent submit,
I’ll attempt to get the dangle of it!
Nice post. I used to be checking constantly this weblog and I am impressed!
Extremely helpful information specially the closing part :
) I take care of such info a lot. I used to be looking for this particular information for a long time.
Thanks and best of luck.
We stumbled over here coming from a different page and thought
I might as well check things out. I like what I see
so now i am following you. Look forward to looking over your web page again.
This is a very interesting post you made. You be struck by some talent. Living it up
Fathom My Situation Also: creare site bucuresti
This is a very exciting post. Keep them coming.
Conscious of my website here: xbody bucuresti
This is a dialect right exciting post. Put them coming.
Conscious of my website here: xbody
This is a dialect right spellbinding post. Smother them coming.
Behold my website here: xbody
This is a quite spellbinding post. Smother them coming.
Behold my website here: xbody bucuresti
I’m trying to get my blog to rank for some targeted keywords
This is a utter attractive article. I like the fail you are scribble literary works . Keep it up and you will-power sooner a be wearing alot of fans soon.
You can check my site as well here: best cbd oil for pain
When some one searches for his required thing, thus he/she desires to be available that in detail,
therefore that thing is maintained over here.
This is a hugely absorbing post. You are doing correctly with writing.
You can also have a word with my website here: calculator rca ieftin
This is a very riveting post. You are doing spout with writing.
You can also make out my website here: calculator rca ieftin
This is a particular absorbing post. You are doing correctly with writing.
You can also accept my website here: forextrend
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I really appreciate your efforts and I will be waiting for your further write ups thanks once again.
Hello, thank you looking for word! I repost in Facebook
Superb, what a weblog it is! This website presents helpful information to us, keep it up.
This is indubitably the win out over content i own seen so far.
Leave my milieu too: http://dreamhosting.ro – cel mai ieftin hosting
I was curious if you ever thought of changing the page layout
of your site? Its very well written; I love what youve got to say.
But maybe you could a little more in the way of content so people could connect with it better.
Youve got an awful lot of text for only having one or 2
pictures. Maybe you could space it out better?
This is indubitably the best thesis i have seen so far.
Check my site too: webhost ieftin
This is in all likelihood the win out over essence i own seen so far.
Repression my neighbourhood too: gazduire web
That is a really good tip particularly to those new to the blogosphere.
Short but very precise info… Appreciate your
sharing this one. A must read article!
Hello, tender thanks you in regard to tidings! 100 mg viagra lowest price http://viapwronline.com I repost in Facebook.
viagra results
You have made some good points there. I looked on the web
to learn more about the issue and found most individuals will go along
with your views on this site.
Great article.
Good post! We will be linking to this particularly great content on our site.
Keep up the good writing.
I’ve been surfing online more than 3 hours nowadays, but I never discovered any attention-grabbing article like yours.
It’s lovely value enough for me. In my view, if all web owners and
bloggers made just right content material as you probably did, the net shall be much more
helpful than ever before.
This is a to a great extent signal post. Thanks for posting this.
What do you believe nearby my website: firma web design
This is a same important post. Thanks as a service to posting this.
What do you over about my website: $200 a day
This is a truly respected post. Thanks for posting this.
What do you over almost my website: web design
I need to to thank you for this fantastic read!! I certainly enjoyed every bit of it.
I’ve got you book-marked to check out new things you post…
This is a very signal post. Thanks for posting this.
What do you over almost my website: creare site web bucuresti
This is a same signal post. Thanks for posting this.
What do you over close by my website: firma creare site
This is a very signal post. Thanks for posting this.
What do you over almost my website: creare site bucuresti
This is a same important post. Thanks as a service to posting this.
What do you over close by my website: web design bucuresti
This is a very weighty post. Thanks instead of posting this.
What do you believe almost my website: servicii creare site web
This is a same important post. Thanks quest of posting this.
What do you over nearby my website: creare site de prezentare bucuresti
Hello, attention you http://cialisxtl.com quest of tidings! the effects of cialis on women
ed pills that work better than viagra
You have a entirely attractive website. I like the full dirt that you equip with every article.
You can contain my website here : nanometers to meters
What do you think ?
You maintain a very enchanting website. I like the whole dirt that you provender with every article.
You can hamper my website here : https://xbodydristor.blogspot.com/
What do you think ?
You beget a very exciting website. I like the full information that you accommodate with every article.
You can hamper my website here : https://xbodybucurestidristor.blogspot.com/
What do you believe ?
This is a to a great extent weighty post. Thanks for posting this.
What do you think close by my website: https://crearesitedeprezentaree.blogspot.com/
This is a very respected post. Thanks as a service to posting this.
What do you over close by my website: https://crearesitedeprezentarebucurestix.blogspot.com/
This is a very signal post. Thanks as a service to posting this.
What do you believe close by my website: https://firmawebdesignx.blogspot.com/
Cialis liquid cialis source reviews daily use cialis cost
Howdy! This is my first comment here so I just wanted to give a quick shout out and say I
genuinely enjoy reading through your blog posts.
Can you suggest any other blogs/websites/forums that
go over the same topics? Thank you!
Hello ! This is a remarkably compelling advise that you made
Save up it up ! viagra
Your method of explaining everything in this paragraph is truly nice, every one be able to effortlessly know it,
Thanks a lot.
Hello ! This is a quite interesting record that you made
Retain it up ! cbd gummies
Thanks , I’ve recently been looking for information about this topic
for a long time and yours is the best I’ve came upon so far.
But, what about the conclusion? Are you sure
about the supply?
Cialis 5mg cialis generic cialis coming out
Hey there! I’ve been following your site for a while now and
finally got the bravery to go ahead and give you a shout out from Porter Tx!
Just wanted to say keep up the great job!
I just like the helpful info you provide to your articles.
I will bookmark your weblog and take a look at once more here regularly.
I’m relatively sure I’ll be informed many new stuff proper here!
Good luck for the following!
This web site certainly has all the information I
needed about this subject and didn’t know who to ask.
This is a very nice website you have here. Check my website too: steam wallet codes generator
This is a very nice website you have here. Check my website too: free clash royale gems
Very neat blog article.Really looking forward to read more. Fantastic.
Rather delightfully article . I couldn’t accord more on the report provided.
What do you think about my site ? http://www.calculator-rca-ieftin.ro
Altogether delightfully article . I couldn’t coincide more on the message provided.
What do you think around my placement ? openload